Small Talk
Have
you ever been to a cocktail party and tried to open up to someone about your
problems, or a deep philosophical discussion got started. No. You haven’t. If
you had, it would be interrupted by “Oh, Winefred, Hi! I thought I saw you.
Who’s your friend? I’m Delores, Hi! Nice to meet you.”
There
are rules for such gatherings. Actually there really is only one rule to
follow: You must engage only in small talk! That’s pretty much it! Anything else goes. Or at least
there’s no hard and fast rule for anything else, merely a couple of guidelines.
Such as, “drink moderately, don’t eat like a pig, and don’t vomit on the
hostess.” That last one is
probably a rule too.
Small
talk is defined by the Woobster’s Dictionary of Unknown Origins as: Any conversation
that has no substance and lasts as long as any of the speakers care to, and it
must be completely interruptable by anyone, including the participants, if they
so choose, with no hard feelings on anyone’s part. That Woobster! What a
dictionarian!!
Small
talk turns out to be an art. If you even come close to mastering it, it will
still exhaust you. Typical subjects engaged in are... how ‘bout this weather?;
who’s that over there?; nice house isn’t it?; how ‘bout that [insert sport here]
strike?; are those boobs of yours new?; and the old reliable guess who is
sleeping with [insert co-worker or married friend’s name here] ? This last one
is especially good if you want to drive someone crazy and you know you’re going
to be interrupted in the middle of it. The person always finds you before the
end of the party unless you are adept at hiding at social functions (another
fine art worth learning).
Sometimes
you want to be the person who breaks away from the small talk and move on to
some other person who isn’t so dull. Here are a few good exit lines: “Oh, the
buffet line is down, I gotta eat, excuse me!”; “Look isn’t that your wife with
[insert handsome town womanizer’s name here].”; “O’migod! I left my lights on in
my car!”(It’s a good party exit line too); “Where’s the bathroom, I think I’m
gonna hurl?” (This is especially useful if you are talking to the hostess).
The
most important thing to remember is that no one else cares what you’re talking
about either. It’s a game. It’s like verbal bumper cars. You just go round and
round and try to run into as many people as you can before the electricity
stops!
Whoops!
Gotta run, I think I left the cat in the oven!
-dougg williams
O.J. Update #3
This
weeks Update is brought to you by....”No Mé Recuerdo Tea.” Yes, if you want to
relax on a flight, and not worry about impeaching testimony, try “No Mé Recuerdo”
brand tea: You’ll forget all
your worries! And by your local travel agents...who remind you to not to
forget to book your flights to El
Salvador early! Or you might get stuck on the witness stand.
“Rosa
Lopez, the Defense Team’s “alibi” witness played the Court TV Game this week!
And she went home a WINNER! Don.....tell her what she’s won!
“All
right Your Honor, she’s won a week’s stay in a fabulous Hotel Hideaway! A
secluded hotel with luxurious accommodations far and above her meager
beginnings in El Salvador....with a TV in the room to watch without abandon a
recap of the way things went during the game show. And since you can’t be in a
posh hotel or a highly rated game show in just housekeeper clothes you’ve also
won: a fabulous new WARDROBE! courtesy of “Defense Team Wardrobe International”....the
court’s finest makers of dress ‘em up testimony-wear. And because you really
don’t want to go through this again....How about a flight outta the country! To
the exotic homeland of El Salvador! Yes all this is yours courtesy of the Dream
Team: ‘If you’ve got ten million dollars, have we got a defense for you!!!’”
And
in case you didn’t hear Rosa’s testimony, here are a few highlights: “No mé recuerdo,
señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.”
“No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No
mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” ”Sí, señor
Johnny!” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.”
“No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No
mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo,
señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.” “No mé recuerdo, señor.”
“No mé recuerdo, señor.”
-Lois Lane
Daily Planet News Service
