February 1995

O.J. UPDATE

            Well, the long awaited “Trial of the Century” has gotten underway. Yowza! Yowza! Like they’re dancing on air. Look at ‘em go. Y’know, it’s a pretty safe bet saying “trial of the century” in 1995. They went way out on a limb for that one, huh folks? But I don’t know,(heavy sarcasm here, don’t miss it) there are still six more years left in this century for something even bigger than this to show up on TV.  And don’t argue with me about the years (this year just started so it counts as does 2000).

            It’s been a long time since the circus came to town. What a pleasure. The clowns were the best. Sure you got your elephants, your big cats, your high wire and trapeze acts with those skimpy outfits and exotic foreign family names like The Flying Zamboni’s, but the clowns were the best. I love this one because it’s ALL clowns ALL the time! And they even have The Lying Attorney Brothers!

            This week’s update is sponsored by: McDonald’s Fast Food Restaurants! Yes if you wish you had an extra hour in your hectic schedule...try our quick and speedy drive-thru. You’ll have all the time in the world to kill!

            ...and by: Ford Bronco... yes, if you want to get away, escape in a Ford Bronco!

            So what’s happened so far? In a nutshell, the Prosecution opened with (I’m condensing a little):

 “O.J. Simpson is a controlling, philandering wife-beater, who murdered his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman.”  The Defense followed with: “O.J. Simpson is a kind, generous, child-loving, arthritic ridden, dyslexic, weak kneed wimp of a man who couldn’t harm a fly, and by the way Nicole was a tramp!”

            That took a week to say.

            Then, the witnesses started testifying. Here is, in my humble opinion, what a sample cross examination by the defense was like:

Cochran: Lieutenant, did you smell alcohol on Nicole Simpson’s breath?

Officer:    No sir.

Cochran: Did you perceive any odor of an intoxicating beverage on her?

Officer:    No sir.

Cochran: Was there any aroma emanating from the throat of Nicole Simpson that could be construed as distilled spirits!

                 

Officer:    No sir.

Cochran: Did your olfactory nerve sense the pungency of the chemical formula C2H5OH?

Judge Ito: Counsel, I think we covered that already.

Cochran: Sorry your honor. Have I told you what a nice robe that is. It really  sets off your beard.

            Court will take a five minute recess. Recess? Yay!!

-dougg williams