THE INVISIBLE MAN
A
few weeks past, a wondrous event occurred while my wife and I were driving home
from the store. A man in the car
next to ours was using two hands to pick his nose while simultaneously steering with his elbows. Two Hands!!! I had never seen this sort of thing before on a suburban
street. Surely you’d think you’d
have to go to a circus to see such dexterity.. And frankly, I believed I was
witnessing an honest to God miracle.
So
I thought I’d share this with my wife (who believes the last miracle she
witnessed was me doing the dishes and cooking in the same night).
“Honey,
look quick!! There’s a guy in the next car picking his nose with TWO HANDS and driving
with his elbows!!! Isn’t that great!”
She
didn’t see it quite the same way I did, “Why do men do THAT?”
“What?”
“Pick
their noses while driving! Do they think no one can see them or what? It’s gross! Why are men so gross?”
These
are the moments that I feel divided... between my love for my wife and her
wonderful ideals, and being a representative of my entire gender. It is a tough spot to be in. So I always
feel it’s best to speak from the heart. Honesty is the best policy.
“Well,
you see, the fact is that men are
not afraid of dark places... and uh... they manifest this by.... Well, men just
like to work with their hands.”
She
wasn’t buying it. Yeah! So men have a tremendous capacity for grossness. They
have a high gross-ability. It
really needs to be seen as an asset. Once viewed in this manner men can seem
quite remarkable.
Women
on the other hand also have the capacity to be gross. I believe they are gross more than we
know. My evidence is that I have
seen women picking their noses while driving.
Actually
I’ve seen three. But for women this is “plenty.” Based solely on those three women, and living with three
sisters, and the time my mother accidentally belched so loud at the dinner table that the air-raid
sirens went off, and Mr. Bagley came running over from next door with his Civil
Defense hat on, I have come up with a theory.
Women
hide it from men. It’s like a
great big club that all women belong to and one of the by-laws is that they all
agree to hide gross bodily functions and the like from all men. And they do this just to drive us nuts
and make us seem more gross than we really are! But we’re on to you. So you’d better watch yourselves. One
slip-up and Wham! No mercy.
Men
do attempt to hide it too. It’s
just that we’re stupid. We believe
that when we’re in our cars we’re totally, utterly, Claude Rains without the trench
coat, invisible. It’s as if we are
in a moving room with a 360° view
through one-way mirrors. I know it
seems ludicrous NOW. But when
we’re in there it seems to make perfect sense. That should also explain the near accidents when a pretty
woman goes by.
“O’ what a work is man, how noble in
stature...“ My wife doesn’t buy it
either.
-dougg williams
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